


a lesson in breathing

by ignitesthestars



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Forehead Touching, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 11:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10592826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignitesthestars/pseuds/ignitesthestars
Summary: Finding out about the Reapers is the lurch in your stomach when you think there's one more stair, times a thousand. She doesn’t need the Milky Way to get where she's going, but she'd definitely expected it to bethere.





	

It hadn’t occurred to Sara that everything might be gone.

Obviously, there’s no going back. Obviously, most of the people - all of the humans - she’d known are dead. That’s something everyone who came Andromeda has to deal with one way or another, and Sara’s preferred take has been that you move forward by remembering where you came from. It hasn't worked for everyone, but it gives her something to hold onto when everything else seems to be slipping out of her grasp.

Finding out about the Reapers is the lurch in your stomach when you think there's one more stair, times a thousand. She doesn’t need the Milky Way to get where she's going, but she'd definitely expected it to be _there_.

“Pathfinder, I am detecting a rapid increase in heartrate and respiration. Are you all right?”

“Fine,” she says. Her voice sounds a million light years away. “I'm fine, I just - need some air.”

Except this is the Nexus, and there’s no air on board that's any different from the air in the Pathfinder’s quarters. SAM pauses.

“Might I suggest that you return to the Tempest? I believe it will provide more comfort to you than the amenities offered by the Nexus.”

It’s the lifeline Sara needs. _Pull yourself together_ hums a refrain in her skull, but she’s going to focus on walking first, striding through the Hyperion to the Nexus proper, moving with purpose because she thinks that if she stops, she won’t be able to start again. It’s only when she steps on board the Tempest again that she stumbles, sagging against the cool metal of the nearest wall.

If SAM had a body, Sara is pretty sure he'd be hovering. She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to summon her determination, the drive that keeps pushing her on against insurmountable odds. It stirs in her chest, the faintest flutter. She huffs a laugh at herself, the sound dry and cracked. 

_Pull yourself together. People need you_. Funny, how much more successful that is with the little addendum. Sara’s never been good at doing things for herself, but throw someone who needs a hand into the mix, and suddenly she can do anything.

She pulls herself off the wall. Rubs a hand across her face, finds it suspiciously dry. There’s a sob sitting right in the centre of her chest that refuses to rise up her throat.

“We’ll talk about this,” she promises SAM. “Later. I just need a moment.”

“I hope you do not think my drive to learn more about human behaviour has overtaken my concern for you, Sara.”

It hadn’t even crossed her mind. She starts walking again, her pace a little more measured. The Tempest doesn’t push her to run in the same way as the Nexus, and she’s not entirely sure where she’s headed. The smallest measure of comfort right now is that she doesn’t need to reply to SAM; he knows on his own, and that strange hovering sensation in the back of her skull diminishes.

Jaal finds her on the bridge.

“Sara.” He’s so _open_ about his worry; she can read it in his voice without turning around. “...May I join you?”

He doesn’t ask if she’s all right. Probably because it’s obvious that she’s not. The angara don’t exactly hold with polite fictions like _I’m fine_ , and Sara isn’t sure she could lie to him anyway. Honesty is a relief when it comes to Jaal, one she’s eager to maintain.

“Of course. I hope I haven’t worried anyone.”

“Peebee is complaining about how she needs to get into her room. Apparently she does not wish to interrupt your, ah - special alone time?”

Her mouth twitches. She stares down at the galaxy map, at Heleus spread out before her. “It’s a euphemism.”

“I see.” But he doesn’t laugh, and her heart aches a bit with that. “I suggested that it would be less of an issue if she kept her belongings with the rest of us. She suggested something I am fairly sure is anatomically impossible.”

The heat of him settles in behind her, not quite touching, leaving that final decision up to her. Sara leans back, because she’s not an island. The thought of her father flits through her mind, how he had kept everything a secret from everyone. How he’d kept _this_ a secret from everyone, had been ready to live out the rest of his life in Heleus being the bearer of this terrible knowledge.

Sara’s not so sure that’s a strength, these days. Jaal’s arms circle her waist, pulling her into him, and she lets her eyes shut, the bright stars of Heleus still lingering in her vision.

“Sometimes,” he says, “speaking about what troubles us is difficult. Especially for people who are not angara, I have learnt. You don’t have to tell me what is wrong, darling one. Just know that I am here, regardless.”

“I know.” She turns in the circle of his arms, hand going to the back of his head, pulling his forehead down to hers. His breath brushes her lips. _Air._ “I know, and you have no idea how much that means to me right now. At any point, actually.”

He cradles her head in turn, the two of them caught in some beautiful mix of human and angaran comfort. Sara counts her breathing as the seconds tick by, as the ability to think creeps slowly back into her brain like a computer rebooting.

She has to make a decision. Another choice that could change lives forever. It’s starting to become an uncomfortable habit.

She takes another breath.

“I think my galaxy might have been destroyed. And I think - I think that people deserve to know.”

Sara isn’t her father. It’s made this whole Pathfinding thing tough, she’ll cop to that. But she hasn’t succeeded at anything by trying to be him.


End file.
